I wanted to quit from activism and volunteerism, and focus on building my new life. It is not easy to start a life whole over again after it shattered, especially when I am recovering from trauma with no family support and medical consultation. The process is so dreadful!
Being poor also make me clueless and disabled to get help. This life is quite new to me. Plus, I hate any crude public servants if I go to the government hospital that not located in Kuala Lumpur. Some people would understand. I hope the officers learn to do just their job and stop judging people, also stop shoving Islam down non-religious folk. They have no idea how many people stay away from hospital because of their attitude. But I do not want to share details.
I just wanted to vent my anger of receiving 2-5 phone calls these two months from a few of activists who refused to accept my disabilities.
Seriously, I am drained enough by activism. What else do these activists want? I wish they learn to look at me and shut up. I wish they stop ask me for anything. I don't even want to hang out with anyone especially . I am in pain. Not just mentally, also physically.
I am in constant frustration as I failed to find expert medical help for my mental and physical illness. Why can they just send me money for food, rent, bills and medicine? If I stay with any of them, I get more emotional trauma then release from it.
Basically, I don't want anymore problems because I have enough of it. It has been two years since I escaped from the evil clucthed of my ex. I need more time to heal. I do not care if it take 10 years to heal. I am not in a hurry! If those activists really believe in knowledge, science, I hope they understand that brain is an organ and we have a lot of gland that produce hormones. Some of those glands still need health tuning!
I told some of them I suffer monthly period pain, from 5 to 10 days. I have no money. Most of the time, my current lover help me to survive. I have no idea how many of his Aspirin stock I have consumed. I am lucky to be able to move and be healthy sometime to work. I am having hard time to find proper job with my health. But without him, I probably will lose my mind. Probably, I will be homeless, dreaful, used, degraded, humilated, hungry.
Before I moved in with my ex, in 2015, I never have 5-10 days period pain. Usually it is just 2 days, a week before my period and on my first day of period.
But after I moved with him, it become 5 to 10 days of pain before period and first and second day of period. I have to say, my uterus underwent some weird twisted transformation after living with him. Maybe the pressure, workload and many more, had weakened my body.
But that is the consequences I have to accept, until now, whether I like it or not. I am dealing with it. I am facing my problems.
And people still seek for me. Wow, for what? Free workshop? Free work force? Just exchange with bed and food. So how in the world am I going to pay for my debt? Wash my clothes? Get a new shoes if mine is tore? How am I going to move around with no cash to pay for fare? I am a woman. I can't travel alone. Some people might survive. But me? I can get rape.
Just three weeks a go, a guy from Egypt, he is Muslim, grabbed my hand because he wanted me to "accompany" him. What the fuck? I didn't even know him. I just wanted to take a stroll.
Me? Traveling alone? I had my lessons. I do jealous at those women who can travel alone. It is not about covering one body part! I don't know why. It is never about clothing. Plus, very fully cover clothes can increase fetish in some of men's mind!!!
Further more, not every rape started because of revenge upon the shrewd lady.
Maybe it is all about luck. Lucky and unlucky.
Sometime, after I got almost sexually assault from walking at the street, I went back home, just lie on my mattress, I have this thought, "What a waste of time, effort and MONEY! All those years of sacrafices, believing in charity, future investment, humanity. Bla, bla and bla! All the volunteerism and activism for this shit society? Saving a rapist? Saving an abuser? Saving a dickhead? Saving a bitch? I did, didn't? What a piece of shit am I? And then I am mentally damaged and hurt another person in that process. None of those can be undone. My life is suck! What a big fat waste!"
I admit it. I have this thought.
"Why me? Why don't you ask help from the rich kid? Or my ex? He is poor but he is very good at being Robin Hood. But he stole from his family and friends. Hahaha! Find someonw who know how to extract money. I don't have such ability."
I have drained my sources under the card of being someone daughter. I uses to be excited to work and earn my own money. But now? I even scared to step out of the house.
I don't want sorry from anyone. I just want to be able to be alive once more.
I have big student loan debt. I am sick. I have no idea about my career. Every thing is very limited.
No, I won't have children just to cure my uterus pain. Because it is wrong. I don't have money to raise the child. No safe environment.
I am not even in safe environment! I am an Malay atheist. People will find their way to hurt me if they are bored and need a toy to play.
Seriously! If one cannot help, one should stay away.
I better brace myself for every turmoil I am going to face as different person, now. No more activism!
I am rebellious in more than 1000 ways and that is more than enough.